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The day after me is a day of shopping at discounted rates. It’s called Black Friday. It’s called Black Friday because it reflect the color of my heart. Even though I love shopping, I just hate that you have to be a part of this. It’s still my damn month! People are searching for the best deals, purchasing Christmas gifts for their loved ones. It’s like–damn homie, I just passed and you’re already waiting to get folks in the money-spending mood.

In case you didn’t get it–STAY AWAY FROM TURKEY. It’s mine! Serve ham on your day.

OMG, every year it seems like you’re allowing more and more whack ass Christmas albums to hit the shelves. Why are you doing this to people? Have you ever heard any Thanksgiving albums? NO! That’s because I know how to treat people with respect.

And about this cockamamie story you’re pushing…at least I have proof that pilgrims existed (even if the story they teach kids is more peaceful than the truth.) I mean hey, I managed to spin that bloodbath into a catered dinner. (Yes, I hired Olivia Pope.)

So in case you didn’t get the point–back the hell up. Let me have November and sit your Jack Frost nipping at your nose ass down. Next year, if you pull this sh*t, I will personally call up The Grinch and steal your ass!

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Dear Christmas, You SUCK…Signed Thanksgiving  was originally published on

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